::she's a bad apple::

Not my proffered environment but fun all the same..
30th anniversary of woodstock, I found myself annoyed with cannabis obsession yet the day was flooded with brilliant yellow sun, overpriced blue moon and nice talks with treehead!



( MOREMOREMORE )

I had been soaking in..........wafting and wading in the waves of familiarity.....and since escaping the town which saw me grow up (in the ever knowing knowledge I'm not merely visiting, rambling, thru this town), so much has surfaced.

I couldn't sleep last night (don't think the lack of incessant snoring would have helped me). I had a daze of a day. A great Halloween though. Chris wrapped and wired his 3 foot dreads up in branches hung with leaves, he was my tree, I his spirit, wrapped myself in fall colored fabric leaves. I made pumpkin pie and we had a party at the hostel. Alice was the "alice" and others fashioned as her Wonderland friends. Chris hadn't drank much in several years and soon became a very happy drunk, a very kind drunk........and then a fallen tree.....TIMBEEEER.

I went dancing later.......which was very good..........until Sin and Alan got us kicked out........kicked out of a bar for drinking (flasks not allowed). We danced in the kitchen and filled the remainder of the night with other unsaid fun........

BUT..........yesterday.........circle train brain head.........the annoyance of your worries sitting just on the tip of your tongue, it seems until you say them they will sit and pick at the top. Frontal Cortex Twitch Syndrome. I didn't sleep and was left dazed after I finished my morning shift (aaaghhh, cleaning rooms wrecked with Halloween Mess Mangle), then I read Anais Nin for 4 or 5 god knows how long hours, wrapped away in my bunk, I've furnished the inside now with orange red strung lights...my warm little womb of a room. When I tried to sleep though I was haunted. Since being here, in this community environment, in a new environment, I've experienced rapid growth syndrome. I've learned who and how to invest my energy, I've wildly experimented with my communication styles. I've seen and been more than I've played with in possibly my whole life.

In this change is the transition into single celled me. I find more and more I'm learning to be more direct and energetically honest with those around me. NOT feeling the need to please other without reason! It's strange and my knees still fumble with it, but I'm consciously taking to making my life what ever I please, choosing to see my decisions my life and trying, attempting to own my feeling toward people around me, weather they be distaste or longing. All of this is a lot.

In it....sitting in this knowing, last night I saw what I come from. Trying to deal thru and see my hidden habits, secret mind that I have ever felt tortured by. In the on going reality tunnel I have felt, the one full of gratitude; now in this brain which isn't tortured, this brain which cares for it self, I need to learn to deal with the past so to make me less vulnerable to falling down. Make the bottom of the tower I'm building just as strong as the top. So the foundation may not fall out.

I'm a very private person....although seemingly sharing with those around me, I keep my faults deeply twined in me too isolated, ready to boil. I keep my jealousy very hidden and let it seethe. I keep my insecurities hidden to fester. I keep my longings hidden to reject themselves. Now, finding my jealousy...insecurities....pains are dwindling in mind, I find myself dealing with the past where they're present and more open to sharing them.

Thoughtful me might bike to half moon bay and camp tonight how fun that would be.

Watch them roll.....watch them toil.....learn each babies.....boiling point
see your self.....in others eyes.....make the brightest.....of disguise


I'm having fun here.

The room is foggy with smoke, ashtrays overflowing. The coffee is strong and murky. The corners of the tablecloth rise as soon as the wind slips through the cracked open window near the staircase. The kerosene lamp is dim, the flame, flickering, oil-thinning. The cracked wooden floor is glossy under its’ glow. In the far right corner of the room there is an aged chair with its stuffing spilling out. The chair is bright orange. Her hair is bright orange. The walls are dirty brown, like her eyes. The Room makes her look good. She moves with each verse of the song playing. Her elbow slides down the armrest of the orange chair. Her silver-ringed fingers curl around her coffee mug and tremble in her overly-caffeinated anxieties. She speaks, and although I am sure her words are lovely, I hear only music and watch the movement of her mouth. The laces of her boots are loose and covered in soot. She does not think twice about them. Next to her planted feet, a bird cage. The blue jay flutters about in it, from barred wall to barred wall. The bird, too, resembles the girl, and I realize all that surrounds her is a mirror. I want to free the bird. I want to free her.

I don't think things have ever (possibly) lined up so well when I take chances.....Good job karma damn good job. Things in San Fransisco are going wonderful, frighteningly so. Huge parts of me fear I'm gonna wanna stay longer than intended.... My ride share was............exactly what I could have ever needed. On CL I got a free! ride (he even bought me lunch the next day) from this guy I serendipitously had met a year prior, and 12-13 hours in a car get you talking, at night get you hallucinating, and he happen to carry the perfect medicine for my brain worries at the time, great advice I got. Then I got here in the morning and rumbled around for a bit, excessive coffee intake and still haven't caught up with sleep in the least, met up with Heather and headed to the best Hostel around here that she's been at a few days. Lots of Europeans here, really open environment, in an awesome alleyway, anyway the owner liked us alright and even though it's not winter season he's giving us super cheap weekly rates until I start work trade for rent next week. So "breath out" I have a place to settle for a bit.

I really love the other work trade people here, and my bunk mates, I got real lucky. I met a 100% reproduction of Jesse (thank the lord, I would have missed him too much if I hadn't) but he's nearly stranger, he's got Jesse's wide eyed child, but also thinks he transmits alien messages, a sweet boy from michigan. I also made good friends with a Polish guy from Spain?? Anyhow last night we went to this Hotel up the street he does some work for and played music on the roof then I got so cold we went to the giant industrial furnace room where I awoke a few hours later in a fever.

Well I just keep pulling this on, for the absorption process, that is necessary. Today we take candy from babies, I mean money from asian tourists. Heather brought an accordian, I got my guitar (and a banana shake noise maker) and alien boy has drumming skills. Were gonna play some kitchy stuff and overcharge them for Tarot reading. Shit......I think I have to face what I want to do, cause for now I have some horribly rooted fear for the reasons I am trying not to like it here.

Dear under enthused pixel paper........

I'm bursting at every seam. I just settled in at the new abode

and now I'm off to SF.... Every time my strings unravel enough to ramble, new roots keep me from wanting to pull out so fast. I thought I was ready with no wires, no love hangers, time pushers, nope. Two days from now I'm on my way to join Heather, she's getting a sublet for us to fume out of with Jesse harpboy and his folky girl ramtam buddy. I must mantra. Fearless fearless fearless. She's got a loads of unexplained social experiment performance art bits up her sleeves, and shows lined up. My blooming beams of brain bubbles have produced a record number of new songs this week. I've been playing with my recent splurges too, a melodica and glockenspiel all day thru.

Lord. Lord. Lord. On a different winding note.... the pulls of my chest are sure rubbing and rolling around. My brainheart sure played with ideas of sparkpluglovings, but to be touched....ooohh...... It's makes me kinda twitter at the idea of leaving, but we never will know where our love goes anyway, I might as well chance it builds the ferment. And I'm enjoying the reaps of the most satisfying correspondence with french David, I nearly cried reading his letter today. I just havent been able to kick this gratitude kick it seems for months now, gratitude to the brim, sometimes only that.

Last Week:

i understand why people turn out the way they do. even those with minds i could admire, i was baffled by the distance, indifference, now my eyes feel heavy and i know that they do so for good reason, why they are closed as they are. she's ranting and raving like a child, and formost i cry for her. my pain can't cry, it sits waiting, it reminds me of old mothers. i can't sleep or eat, i feel so heavy though. i wish i didnt let her be cruel, she would have not have been so paralyzed, and i know the place she found herself in was painful for her, i know she would have wanted to be good, if she had just felt cleaner. i feel like a large sigh. and shes so stubborn, i wish i could hold her, i would pet her head, for i know her fears. she could know mine, if she sat still and looked around. apart of me wants back what i lost from her, like i want her to pay, and it blocks my view. i feel her voice when i cry, shame on you, faker, actress. i hear it tell me things i couldn't repeat on the street.

i don't know what to say to her if i saw her, i cant hear things once more right now, because there is no doubt i will fall. and my pain is a slow deep churning machine, rumbling loud enough, just not over the other words said. even threw typed words, i feel her hiding her face to my humaness, she may need to and i will except that.

feeling good, feeling good in the neighborhood....no not this neighborhood, but i'm moving, see is what to come?? emmmhmm.

but, hello to others browsing, will you read?? maybe i've faded from your life by now, or at this point you know that knowledge of what LEAH is up to is really no boost in social mingling?? no, are you bored, come on, reading for centimental value?? ha, i bet *somebody* nudge nudge will find the shit i'm about to pop out via the internet amusing. eh eh. but alas i continue.

true though, it really is quite strange, this thing (livejournal). no, it's not strange, but the reasons behind having public blogs that aren't short stories, enjoyable reading or good information, the reasons behind it not being those things (with extensive knowledge of what IS written about) are just a little to humiliating and nauseating for people to really talk about. although i must say i did enjoy montana's pictures of the dead animal a while back.

but, back to me....he....i'm feeling pungent.

sooo, i've been wallowing in every this that i can think of in recent days. without work or school, and little stress, i guess i decided to take on everything i could think of being stressed about in the future past present, you know how we do that, trying to avoid making any actual progress. i've been anxiously awaiting traveling this summer and anything to further my pursuit toward farming land. hard winter etc. so i went to my father's house for the first time without a friend in many months, trying to bargain for some college money to put toward the amazingly low prices of land in tennessee or those where abouts. i found a mixed bag:

*entering story land* my father lives in a "intentional community" (similar to conotations we have with communes) i grew up in, just outside of portland. they where having their annual talent show that very night. so not only was i having panic from being out there and having to discuss money with him (i usually tend to create unneeded panic, how attractive?) but my first few hours there was in a room of 50+ people doing unfortunatly unhumourous skits, most of whom i grew up with, children yelling, and me suspicously hiding from those i wouldn't liked to be pulled in for a hour an a half catch up on life blah blah blah. near the end, several people stared blankly at me with expressions of distance and disinterest, people that had been as close as parents when i was young, i had an avalanche of pains in my gut, and dealt with the subject of seperation of family till the show was done. not to mention the effects of watching people evolve in unfortunate directions i.e. the most beautiful child in the land, lily, who was closer to me than a little sister, now wearing goucho styled army print pants and little slutty tops talking about really unfortunate sound waves she purchesed with her cd player. oh, i did get to talk to my friend renee though, a charming firey man of quite old age, he's humourous and at times his energy even smells of thick sensuality. i admit that when i was talking to him i was doing an itty bit of overcompinsation, showing him what a thoughtful young woman i was, you may be able to imagine. in response though he said something i rather enjoyed:

"I think I've abandoned my search for truth and would rather find myself a good fantasy"

yadda yadda yadda. finally, i talked to my father later, he understands my want to live of the land, and can relate with my paranoia of where things may be going if i don't have security of land and food, and understands a love of "nature". i think steps are being made......oh, yess......to further the possiblity of a dream. ya ya yayaya. praise praise.

then played guitar, then read, the sleep. AND i the morning i felt.......GOOD. good, is great and grounded is reasuring. the turning of the wheels.

i would though like to possibly begin socializing at some point, "getting involved", but for now i have the most glorious, GLORYfilled, love seeping into to me from across the bed when she goes to sleep, a new environment to meticulously mold and a good book or two sitting around!!

was it worth the read?? probebly not, have a good day, live long and flourish.

love prevails. she sleeps and it is heavenly.

her ooze feels like.......emerald trees, rich emerald wet warm trees.
for right now and for the past it is that.

but what is so damn scary is it fits, it works, it is. and everyone says i can't have that, especially now. many have questioned having that ever. i don't take some seriously that say they have that, and i don't take them seriously when they painfully find out they didn't. but i know i do.

ekk.djrhgdr..

lov. love. love.

things are starting to move again. i'm trying so hard as i slip back into social dweling to not slip back into what it once was. it's hard to be picky when there's only one or two people you've found who fit such a model. i like to socialize and i can occaisonally be fed by slipping into that .........energy change. but not again how it once was. as i've said before, there's a turning point for all things, and it's a fine line to cross.

and then she took off her coat!




in other, i feel...............sick.
i decided to mix existing flem and cough plus low immune system with achohol and caffeine. i feel now decreped this morning. my body.

geeeee. ggeeee! though.

if i don't stop myself, downfall provails. cycles are a bit like falling?? yet with a slower decent. stagnation leaves me crestfallen. I may possess ..aagg light.... but it does nothing but pain if i keep it in de' crevases. I feel (that is, usually, more frequent than not) very infintial. smart baby. intelligent, mayyybe even creative? but consumed with unexplainable niavity, innocence, i play dumb with most all. and maybe it would be less bothersome if i felt it to be true on my insides. left in my concouisness, making me wish i held my tongue.

i need an output for my insides, even if it was just for me, but now, lately, it's left rotting above the belly. possibly worse than pain, is feeling nothing. worldly scale. achemm.

umm. in other news, section c, understanding and clarity helps! and environment change. and less fear. pretty girl heart.

my understanding is that this hole will be covered up soon. and i will walk.

i am cumpulsively melting for various audiences, and unfortunatly enough finding myself eextrememly aggravated by this fact.

i can find myself. i need to let go to ever do otherly. sharing is caring??

i never wantto speak aghain, but i find myself to not prevail to such a fact.

i watch myself as they do. i hurt. as they do. it hurts to see myself consumed in such a cycle. it's been years?? berry. time. and popp seeds. i need to go to the woods, i need.


infintil baby. i feel soft in a way, but i do not want be scared.


the lady upstairs said she could live with us. hmmm. she keeps offering, is this for me?/ is te lady ustairs offering in hopes of keeping me happy?? is she doing her weekly juctice, i sure hope that's not why.


i don't know if trula would like it too much, i think she thinks i', romanticizing it so i don't hurt her, yet linda iss strangly percistance.

would that work??

te lady said she could live at the new house. that's pretty long term, just for the price of reaking leaves?? i think it might be a god place for her to save up, but i think the discomfort she might feel after that or possible overwhelming?? might ;...;jerhfgrt

hope not.

how to releave. chuckle chuckle chuckle chuckle.

open minds should not be stuck, this happens too often i suppose.

i feeel good. i knew that i would. i feel nice, like sugar and spice.

i got payed. my pocket bursts. whenever i have a lot of money i don't spend any of it, barely. when i have a little money i send it fast because, hey it's not that much anyway, right?? wrong.

spent the last couple days mostly around trula and joe. playing lots of music, and listening to lots of music. trula left this morning really early, and i hear grace (my wrinkled, insane, drippy nosed, yet preccious all the same, roomate) gave her a ride to work. i guess they talked about the need of water at trula's workplace, so today when i was done working, grace showed me a insalated large water bottle, and said she bought it for trula. for some reason it tickled me, and i'm left with a strive to brighten a day. i want to go out of my way for someone, probebly a stranger, it's nicer that way.

i think i'll start out by writing nice anonymous letters to people that don't know me very well, maybe i'l slip kind words into some school lockers.

i feel calmed. tired, full, but calm.

i went to go have a cigarette at my father's place. i went to the woods, and there, where i always go to sit, were two unwounded birds, lifeless, laying parellel to eachother. i don't think staring is rude. i half expected that at any moment they would come to life and sing me a song, the ones they always sing, but they layed there, defeated. i watched them for a half an hour or so, they got my mind going, and for a second i thought i'd seen it. no one goes out there, so i can't decide if i should watch them as they melt away, possibly photo document, or if i should perform a proper buriel ceremony. i think i should watch them go, i would hate to keep the other animals from completely resonable dinner.

I DREW AND I DREW AND I DREW.
and guess what?? i actually liked it. liked it?? whatever that means. i drew for about 6 or 7 hours yesterday. toto...to.toot

it's nice to be doing something.

today i'm going to get a charger for my phone, i lost it, clean dakota's house head to toe for free, oh jesus, does that get me going. i love cleaning her house. so much rewards, neverending rewards. and maybe try to reach autry?? but my phone has no battery. and sleepover with rain. i'm going to bake for her, that'll get 'er going.

i took a bath this morning. i ate two plums. my armpits smell really good today. i wish i could share it with more people.

THE BOWELS OF MY THROAT ARE ARUPTING AND MAKING BEAUTIFUL NOISES!

oh ...................!! the visuals are coming.....

jesus fuck this afternoon was painful. i was sitting in coffee, drinking my chair, and drawing for what turned out to be eternity, drenched in the most pain inducing annoyence imaginable. my brain waves were making sharp squewed climaxes, and piviting down with no warning, but my body waves were a calm stream line, it just didn't fit. it was like an overdose of speed in my brain, but my body was taking a nap. fluctuation in the worst sense of the word, it felt like an..........uneven square. like my brain was talking in arabic, and i was reading aloud english children books. squewed. squewed is what it felt like and sharp. it reminded me of a dream i had years ago, a sort of vigorous scratch that's always stayed with me. i was in my room at my fathers house, and everything was filtered green, cheap green, like a street at midnight only lit with tinted floresents. it was again squewed, the angles would drift. there was a lit gride over my double doors, like the kind in elevators that showed you which floor you where on. i was lugging endless bags of coal across the house and with each one, the "grid" would go up a number. but the floor in between was covered in nails, or those grip mats turned the wrong way. the dream was terifying, it was laced with absolute terror. the dream has stuck with me for years, and today i felt that same squewed terror in the waking life. trapped, and vulnrable. ehgehegghhhhh.

other then that..ha..hahahah.haaaaaaaaa....
i stayed with dakota last night. it was frightenly nostalgic. i sometimes slip into the same insicure, passive, inferior little girl around those "aloha" folks. fucking richelle. jesus, and matt! the nerve, he lives in her house and drowns her mother in debt, and treats dakota like an asshole, he puts her on eggshells in her own house. he's only there cause for some fucked up reason her mom enjoys sarcastic teenage gay boys. ahhhh. i was lugged all around town for missons of marajauna. most of those kids value pot more then eachother and it pains me. most of them are only friends because of it. richelle waited in dakota's back yard for two hours just to smoke a bowl, i was slightly drunk and drenched her in diet powder, and she left. gagaaa. i need away, from many things.

i'm trying to be "strong". no, not strong, productive?? no. compulsivness reaks from my pores. eeek. ha.aha.aha. somehting about though, something about it is definitly exciting. waiting for the climax to pass.

my next week will be filled with fatherly antics, and paid house cleaning, holy. holy.

i'm so happy that autry's back. she found me yesterday and we ate chinese food, and squermed, and farted, and watched peewee herman, and i got all the silly out that had been growing inside of me. it was almost overwhelming, the crazy things amiting from my pores, i starting going....., we have video proof, i talked of jesus and space ships. wooohohooow. wahooohow. trula came home! i want to take her camping....in the city, i'll figure something out. i went to canada, i finally saw cat after forever, she stole me from megan's overprotective parents, and we made a barbuque and drank overpriced beer with her friends. avi better come to fucken portland this weekend like he said. oh, and CAT POWER is coming tomarrow, it's like a suprise show. jesus i'm going to vomit my pants!

i'm going to vomit my fucken pants all week.

"for when there's a gray wall between one and another who's to say which is prisoner and which is free?" she thought, "when the heart aches one for the other there's little to choose between them."

i don't find the elderly as ones waiting to die. endearing folks though, some of them. i think i shall invite renee for coffee this evening, i havent heard nearly enough of his words. if i do so, he'll probably refuse to talk to me in english, which is fine by me, and found to be just as valid.

i've been basking in frustration, comfortable frustration. i see "opportunity", "potential" etc., i know how to extract it, i know how it could effect me, but i can't seem to do it. timing?? it all leaves me with uncomfortable tumors hidden throughout the crevices. disabling as all hell.

my senses have been very sensitive this afternoon, visuals are delightful, touch, yet it's slightly heavy in it's fullness, weighing me down for a good sleep. naps.

i found even more mementos from my childhood tonight!
i found the art, oh yes, the art. i found a bag i made in ?second grade? i think i'm going to start wearing it around. i stitched leeba on the front and a "sissor head"??? interesting imagination i would say. but i also found endless paintings scribbles and third grade portraits. it was.....

then i found out my dad just bought a cell phone, it's disapointing i must say. he was always going to be the last person to get one. haha, but i guess he did it on a splurge, and got kinda fucked over. he claims to be good at math, but he got a plan spliting 600 minutes between him and his girlfriend. for some reason he thought 300 minutes each would be an hour a day (it's actually 10 minutes a day), so to afford it, they both cut out there home phones. haha. i've had a ball watching him pace the living room all night, frustrated with himself. he was being pissy at dinner, instead of walking 20 yards to my room, he just banged on silverware till i would hear and started eating, i was listening to music, so it ended up taking a while to get the idea. anyway, i went to eat and spilled some water, he freaks out and says i should have cleaned it up faster, blah, blah, blah, and runs to his room. i ate in my room. it's all coming back to me though, all the reasopns i didn't live there. i'm ready to get out of the mind suffacation i like to call beaverton, one week at my dad's was enough for me.

aww. we'll see.

got trula's new cd. it's helped me threw the past few hours. and the ocean pictures! oh glory.

sigh**



as in good sigh.

i put a hole in my face.



oh no.